I feel angry so often these days. Annoyed. Frustrated. Irritated. And angry. At everyone about everything. Sometimes even when someone is being nice to me. I find myself putting on a face mask to hide my frustration. Hoping that my eyes won’t betray me. Because ultimately, I know that I’m generally not actually angry at the person in front of me. It just wants to come out that way. So I end up with a mask on (both literally and figuratively) because I don’t want to lash out at someone else. I don’t want to say things I’ll regret later. But that is leading me into isolation which isn’t helpful either.
So why am I so angry? What is really at the root of it?
I DON’T KNOW.
Trust me, I wish I knew. It seems like knowing would be a great first step toward processing and releasing it, right?
I told my counselor about all of this yesterday. (
Side note, counseling is amazing and everyone can benefit from it. There are just seasons in our life when it’s helpful to have someone neutral walking alongside of us and helping us process the chaos. That season is now for me.)
Anyways, I told him last night and he suggested two things. First, he wondered if punching my bed or couch and yelling into a pillow might prove beneficial. Hmmm…I don’t think I’ve ever done that, but I’ve certainly wished for a punching bag lately. It just seems like physically releasing the tension might do me some good. So I’m open to trying this idea.
Second, he suggested that I ask for help. I mentioned that I feel like I need help but I don’t know what I need. I don’t know what would be helpful. In the GriefShare class that I’m taking, they suggest asking for help and some of their ideas relate to yardwork or groceries or childcare. It’s not applicable to me. I’m generally quite independent and self-sufficient which my counselor pointed out is great about 90% of the time. But then he says I’m currently in the 10% when it’s not great.
What would be helpful to me right now? Maybe it’s distraction. Maybe just low key hanging out or coffee dates. Maybe getting a pedicure with a friend. Maybe sitting by a fire. Again, I don’t know. But perhaps I should just try one of those and see if it helps. If not, at least I tried and I can try again tomorrow.
I can’t wrap this post up with a pretty little bow. I don’t have flowery words of closure. Because I’m asking a lot of questions right now. And it just feels unresolved. But I’m tired, friends. I’m tired of feeling angry. I’m tired of feeling alone. I’m just plain tired. So tonight I wrote these words to get them out of my head because that’s often the start of helpful processing.
If you’ve faced loss and deep pain, what helped you in that season?